15 posts tagged “funny stuff”
God damn you Cumpston. You funny, funny bastard.
I got to see Cloverfield Monster Goes
Apeshit two weeks ago. We’ve been on double shifts at Wetzel’s Pretzels
because we’re selling these goddamn frosting and cinnamon pretzels that
are supposed to look like a snowman waving at you and guess what all
our retarded customers like biting the heads off of?
Also, the “snowmen” don’t look like snowmen – they look like
fat babies that can stand up and wave, and that someone has spooged on
(the frosting).
But Cloverfield Monster Goes Apeshit was the perfect movie
for me to get to see, because now every time one of our swamp-ass
customers comes in and wants a Sal-Tee the Snowman I can imagine the
Cloverfield monster biting their goddamn heads off.
And yes, in the movie, the Cloverfield monster bites off
some fucking heads. Only you get to see it from a way you don’t
normally get to see heads getting bitten off, so basically the movie –
which I’m just going to call Cloverfield for the rest of this review
because typing out that long-ass title is pee-hole – basically makes
other head-biting-off-movies look like Georgia Rule with a peppermint
cock in its ass.
The movie starts off really shitty though, with all this
stuff about a young couple that’s in love, and she’s hot and he’s hot
and I’m all like, “Who’s filming the Ambercrombie and Fitch catalogue?”
But then it’s like the movie heard you calling it a pussy so
it puts on its dick-stomping boots and then surprises your dick with a
punch from a fist wearing a cock-punch glove.
Things just don’t get scary – they get FUCKED UP. And I mean
fucked up like the whole movie’s shot through a hand-held video camera,
so you feel like this is happening to you (apparently, the video camera
was recovered by the government, so at the beginning of the movie, when
you’re told this, you think, “Man, something bad must’ve happened to
whoever filmed this”, and you imagine a lot of shit, but then when you
get to what ACTUALLY HAPPENS you’re like, “Fuck you, imagination, this
was ten times worse than I thought” and then to get back at you your
imagination makes you think about 2 Girls 1 Cup if Rhea Perlman and
Edith Bunker were the girls)
So here’s the story: a monster attacks News York City.
But that’s not the fucked-up part.
The monster RIPS THE LIVING SHIT out of the city, and
everyone in its path. It’s like the Iraq War and Hurricane Katrina and
Kathy Griffin’s vagina combined and turned into a giant murder-beast
and it’s hungry for every hip person in Manhattan.
Which is another cool thing about the movie – everyone
that’s getting eaten are like characters you see in those annoying
movies that are always on IFC and Fagdance. Movies with titles like
Thinkin’ ‘Bout Being Sad and Zoe Gets a Latte and 2 Bedrooms, 1 Bath
and a Whole Bunch of Cock-fucks Running Their Mouths.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, the giant monster starts
rubbing itself on buildings, and then stuff falls off it’s gross body
and crawls the fuck away – only the crawling-away stuff doesn’t stay
away for long, if you know what I mean.
And then – and THEN – and I mean, at this point, the movie’s
like a speed freak yelling at you, as if the giant monster and the
things crawling away weren’t bad enough, there’s a third, even more
messed-up thing the monster can do to a person, which I won’t spoil
‘cuz it made me kind of sick and the people on this website are the
kind of assholes who’d come in to the W.P. at two minutes before I have
to clean the cinnamon nets and order ten Sal-Tees so fuck everyone, so
maybe you’ll see it and get sick and not want a Sal-Tee and I can go
the fuck home.
Also, I don’t know if the movie-makers are looking for poster quotes, but this movie is like a pussy that eats YOU out.
So, here’s my final thoughts:
The good: Monster fucking everything sideways, creepy-crawly
things fucking everything that’s still not fucked, indie movie
characters getting eaten and mutilated before they can talk about
coffee or e-mails or their feelings.
The bad: Smarty-pants story-telling shit where the video
you’re watching has un-recorded bits where you see the hero’s
relationship a few weeks back, before the monster shows up. Except then
there’s this final shot (from the flashback section) that’s actually
kind of awesome ‘cuz it’s this very sweet, sunshine-y shot of
something, except at that point you’re thinking some really bad
thoughts about what the shot represents.
The shitty: I had a long dream about the male star of the
movie two nights after I saw this, where we both had shirts off and he
was helping me do sit-ups. So fuck this movie for that part.
I got to see Cloverfield Monster Goes Apeshit two weeks ago. We’ve been on double shifts at Wetzel’s Pretzels because we’re selling these goddamn frosting and cinnamon pretzels that are supposed to look like a snowman waving at you and guess what all our retarded customers like biting the heads off of?
Also, the “snowmen” don’t look like snowmen – they look like fat babies that can stand up and wave, and that someone has spooged on (the frosting).
But Cloverfield Monster Goes Apeshit was the perfect movie for me to get to see, because now every time one of our swamp-ass customers comes in and wants a Sal-Tee the Snowman I can imagine the Cloverfield monster biting their goddamn heads off.
And yes, in the movie, the Cloverfield monster bites off some fucking heads. Only you get to see it from a way you don’t normally get to see heads getting bitten off, so basically the movie – which I’m just going to call Cloverfield for the rest of this review because typing out that long-ass title is pee-hole – basically makes other head-biting-off-movies look like Georgia Rule with a peppermint cock in its ass.
The movie starts off really shitty though, with all this stuff about a young couple that’s in love, and she’s hot and he’s hot and I’m all like, “Who’s filming the Ambercrombie and Fitch catalogue?”
But then it’s like the movie heard you calling it a pussy so it puts on its dick-stomping boots and then surprises your dick with a punch from a fist wearing a cock-punch glove.
Things just don’t get scary – they get FUCKED UP. And I mean fucked up like the whole movie’s shot through a hand-held video camera, so you feel like this is happening to you (apparently, the video camera was recovered by the government, so at the beginning of the movie, when you’re told this, you think, “Man, something bad must’ve happened to whoever filmed this”, and you imagine a lot of shit, but then when you get to what ACTUALLY HAPPENS you’re like, “Fuck you, imagination, this was ten times worse than I thought” and then to get back at you your imagination makes you think about 2 Girls 1 Cup if Rhea Perlman and Edith Bunker were the girls)
So here’s the story: a monster attacks News York City.
But that’s not the fucked-up part.
The monster RIPS THE LIVING SHIT out of the city, and everyone in its path. It’s like the Iraq War and Hurricane Katrina and Kathy Griffin’s vagina combined and turned into a giant murder-beast and it’s hungry for every hip person in Manhattan.
Which is another cool thing about the movie – everyone that’s getting eaten are like characters you see in those annoying movies that are always on IFC and Fagdance. Movies with titles like Thinkin’ ‘Bout Being Sad and Zoe Gets a Latte and 2 Bedrooms, 1 Bath and a Whole Bunch of Cock-fucks Running Their Mouths.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, the giant monster starts rubbing itself on buildings, and then stuff falls off it’s gross body and crawls the fuck away – only the crawling-away stuff doesn’t stay away for long, if you know what I mean.
And then – and THEN – and I mean, at this point, the movie’s like a speed freak yelling at you, as if the giant monster and the things crawling away weren’t bad enough, there’s a third, even more messed-up thing the monster can do to a person, which I won’t spoil ‘cuz it made me kind of sick and the people on this website are the kind of assholes who’d come in to the W.P. at two minutes before I have to clean the cinnamon nets and order ten Sal-Tees so fuck everyone, so maybe you’ll see it and get sick and not want a Sal-Tee and I can go the fuck home.
Also, I don’t know if the movie-makers are looking for poster quotes, but this movie is like a pussy that eats YOU out.
So, here’s my final thoughts:
The good: Monster fucking everything sideways, creepy-crawly things fucking everything that’s still not fucked, indie movie characters getting eaten and mutilated before they can talk about coffee or e-mails or their feelings.
The bad: Smarty-pants story-telling shit where the video you’re watching has un-recorded bits where you see the hero’s relationship a few weeks back, before the monster shows up. Except then there’s this final shot (from the flashback section) that’s actually kind of awesome ‘cuz it’s this very sweet, sunshine-y shot of something, except at that point you’re thinking some really bad thoughts about what the shot represents.
The shitty: I had a long dream about the male star of the movie two nights after I saw this, where we both had shirts off and he was helping me do sit-ups. So fuck this movie for that part.
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'"
Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.
"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.
"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."
Books: Show us a great beach read.
As long as you don't mind people staring at you as you laugh out loud, I'd suggest this.
Chelsea Handler is probably the funniest woman I've ever come across. The book is all about her history with men, alcohol and pushy friends. The story that opens the book is priceless, as a little girl her older sister dared her to take a picture of her parents while they were having sex. What she describes will have your jaw on the floor.
Yea, so the Joke o' The Day has been absent for a while, but that's only because I don't really have time to go searching for funny jokes. I got this one in my email this morning and thought I'd share.
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."
